I hit shuffle on my liked songs playlist and wrote down where they placed me. Whether that be on a certain street or in a state of emotional distress, I lay a piece of my soul bare for you. (These are indeed the first songs that played.)
German Love by STRFKR
German Love by STRFKR comes on and I’m in college and I’m driving down University – a street name both specific to my college campus and at the same time a street that exists near almost any other college campus in the country. In a “you’re-definitely-reading-too-much-into-this” kind of way it’s reflective of the emotions of that era of your life, right? Everything feels like it’s happening to you first, but you soon find out it’s been happening to twenty-somethings for as long as there’s been time.
But for this moment I’m in my car and the sun is shining and it's summer or spring or fall or winter because I live in Arizona where all the seasons maintain that same level of un-specificity and I’m bobbing my head back and forth while smiling on my way to pick up a friend. I notice flowers growing today. I had an easy class and a nice quiet lunch. This song feels like noticing flowers growing after having a nice quiet lunch on the way to pick up a lovely friend – the most generic and in some ways most meaningful kind of day.
Faithless by Benin City
Faithless by Benin City comes on and I’m peaking in my rearview mirror to see my friend Grace making a funny face and singing along. We’re speeding down a desert highway on our way to camp and swim and play in the wilderness. It’s summer and we’re escaping a city heat. It feels like dry hot air and watching the blur of passing cacti through a dirty windshield. It feels like being on an adventure with your most party-in-a-person friend. You’re not sure why but it feels a little life-changing.
When I’m Down by Whethan and Oliver Tree
When I’m Down by Whethan and Oliver Tree comes on and it’s my 19th birthday party. I live in a shitty apartment with the least shitty college friends I could have hoped for. They surprised me with an Oktoberfest theme (in January) and I’m wearing Party City lederhosen (against my will). My friend Oskar tells me he loves this song too and he is kindly doing my dishes in the middle of the party despite my pleas for him to stop and enjoy himself. It sounds like underage drinking and learning you have something new in common with a friend.
New House by Rex Orange County
New House by Rex Orange County comes on and I’m in the parking lot of Portillo’s struggling to get a cake shake through a thin straw. My friend Jess is next to me and we’re listening through Rex’s new album. We’re a little disappointed actually, but not because it wasn’t good, it’s just that I’ve cried a dozen times to an earlier song of his and how can he ever top that? That’s not his fault – but it’s not really mine either. It feels uncomfortable in my chest. It feels like realizing something you had previously thought was good was actually bad. It feels like watching something fall apart but no one is really to blame.
Wannabe by Spice Girls
Wannabe by Spice Girls comes on and I’m 14 again. I’m last-last-last minute hot-gluing the pieces of a sophomore year Latin project on the cold tile floor of my hallway. There’s a foam board reconstruction of a Roman basilica, perhaps? It’s 2 a.m. and I’m so tired but this song reminds me how fun it is to put in earbuds and sing out loud by yourself – the perfect opportunity to perform your absolute best Baby Spice to a very hefty and confused cat. This song reminds me that a part of me is somehow always 14. It sounds like a Justice Birthday Party and a handful of chunky glitter.
All The Ways Branchez Remix by Wet
All The Ways Branchez Remix by Wet comes on and I float up and hover gently over my body until the bass drop kicks me back into corporeal form. I’m turning up the volume in my car to notch 23 and I’ve specially queued this song to try to impress someone in the car, as you do when you’re 18. I think of my friend Jade who recommended this artist so many years ago. It feels like a sadness you keep going back to. It feels like tolerable heartbreak, like being heartbroken by and in love with the same someone at the same time.
Lovers Rock by TV Girl
Lovers Rock by TV Girl comes on and now it’s my 20th birthday party. Jess surprised me with a bachelorette theme this year and I’m wearing a cheap lace sash and a plastic tiara. I’m dancing in a dimly lit sticky kitchen and for once in my girlhood I’m not conscious of my body. I feel so loved. My guy friends excitedly wear pins that say “maid of honor” and “bridesmaid of the year” and I’ll find inappropriately shaped confetti in the nooks and crannies of the house until I move out a few months later. It sounds like being a little tipsy and feeling a lot safe.
Nobody by Mitski
Nobody by Mitski comes on and the clock just struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. I take blurry photos of a friend waving sparklers in the backyard wearing my sweatshirt because it was colder than we had expected. There’s a third person there – my friend’s relatively short-lived boyfriend of the time – but in the rearview it feels like it was just us. He was a baker and we made homemade pizza for dinner to celebrate the occasion. (His dough was delicious.) For a song about loneliness it sure does feel like your world is expanding as you listen. This song feels like a turning point.
Vacation by Still Woozy
Vacation by Still Woozy comes on and I immediately sigh – smirk even – in a loving, nostalgic, knowing way. I am circling the northern Tempe boundaries at 11:17 p.m. in my beat up 2007 Dodge Nitro and I’m trying really hard not to look at my phone and check for his text back as I pull up and stop at a no turn on red exit. It sounds like a good distraction. It sounds like the perfect soundtrack for late night anxiety-riddled drives. It sounds like the adult equivalent of a mom circling the block peeping in the mirror to see if their baby has been lulled to sleep yet. It sounds like lonely love.
Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys
Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys comes on and I’m lying on an IKEA bedspread in my teenage bedroom. I’m scrolling through Tumblr reblogging photos of Doc Martens and sidewalk oil reflections and questionably appropriate American Apparel ads. I’ll soon enough read Alex Turner’s love letter to Alexa Chung and develop wildly unrealistic expectations of adult relationships. It sounds like the first time you really feel yourself getting older. It sounds like discovering your new favorite music genre when you’re 13 and you feel like you’re somehow the first to discover everything. (You’ll learn better later though, see first song.)